Poetic Page

BETTER     I tell everyone that i'm better But now and then I turn away from my friends I hide in my room I close the door And I stare at the wall Numb and dead I stop breathing Feeling Living And in that one moment I knock the doors of heaven And they refuse to take me in And then I come back to life I get up I breathe I open the door And return to hell

WHAT PEOPLE SEE I breathe and people see my chest lift I blink and they see me close my eyes I laugh and people see my lips curve When I fake laughter No one see’s the pain behind that smile Absolutely no one see’s the tears my closed eyes hide And no one for sure see’s me struggling for breathe when I inhale Does anyone see me alive? Definitely yes Does anyone see me dead? None at all, no, no, no.

THE MOON As the moon begins to shine A young girl turns her face to the sky And just like the moon Her pallor has blemishes That she unsuccessfully hides And just like the moon Her heart has craters Created by the ones she adores And now, Just like the moon Her soul is lifeless

I GIVE UP I gave up smoking, that’s a good thing right? I gave up cutting, that’s even better? I gave up having bad thought, its bad right? I gave up thinking, that’s perfect isint it? I gave up planning death I gave up trying to die I gave up listening to myself I gave up talking to myself I gave up talking about it I gave up thinking about it I gave up expecting I gave up resisting I gave up feeling I gave up reading I must give up breathing Cause I have given up living I’m just surviving and its ok Cause the alternative is being alive

SUFFOCATION And then she was there again A place well known to her With a belt in hand And ruined mascara As she locked the door She couldn’t help falling to the floor And there the dam broke The tears leaked Her body convulsed And she  hiccuped And then the neglected belt was picked up again She made a loop Loose enough And then tighter and tighter Until she felt seriously suffocated But a part of her, just a tiny part Didn’t want to die And she the weak cub, gave in She called for help and opened the door As her head reeled And her hands became numb People rushed to close her escape Her escape to the grave Her senses came back And she knew, she had failed again Again and again she failed at death By succumbing to her life

SORRY Sorry I was never good enough Sorry I had to make your life tough Sorry I smoked and cut Sorry I couldn’t stop the hurt Sorry I couldn’t keep on the façade Sorry I have forgotten how to smile, laugh, giggle I can no longer pretend and I m sorry for that I cant die and I’M sorry for that I cant stop and I’m sorry for that And mostly I m sorry for being who I am Sorry for living, breathing and letting my heart beating If I could I would have ripped all my veins Overdose on pills or Jumped off a hill But I’m sorry that I cant But I try, I try all I can I’m sorry it’s not good enough I torture myself, I really do I let the blade caress my skin just deep enough to cut, not deep enough to die I try to never cry now I promise I won’t injure again The blood will never leak The tears I’ll never try to seek I’ll try like I always do And fail like I always have All I ask is forgiveness Or maybe ignorance I'm sorry and I really ...

APOLOGY All I want to do is cut Cut so deep, that It never does heal I have the blade But not the guts I apologize my love For torturing you, hurting you I am sorry for being The person I am I am sorry for not being The happy friend you want me to be I am sorry my dear For never being able to smile And I am sorry For being me, just me I’m trying really hard to die But the devil directs death and decides to evades those Who are marked with cuts and bruises So forgive me if you can Or punish me if you must Whatever makes you happy So smile, the my kinda smile Smile the way, I can say You are mine

I ASK Looking out of the window I ask whether I should go out And it says no I ask whether I should shout And it said no I ask whether I should meet people And make new friends And the depression denies me permission I ask whether I should tell people And it calls me a fool I ask whether I should take my meds And it calls me a coward Initially it was a part of me But now, I am a part of it 

The Rain As the first drop fell She saw an escape from her hell She stood with outstretched hands Her eyes closed and her face upturned Her hair floated with the wind Her soul soared with the storm And as the raindrops hit her The pain, the gilt, the hurt, it all vanished She silently stood Soaking, soaring and smiling A smile that had been embedded In the remnants of her past And for a long time Could only be found in Kodak moments She smiled her long buried smile And as the air caressed her cheek And the wet smell of soil filled her to the brim She felt happy at last She had no other thought Just a smile, a satisfied smile The kind no blade nor smoke can give She had looked for this relief But in her cut veins she only found grief And in the smoke, numbness Perhaps she had been looking at the wrong places But just as she thought she had the solution, The rain stopped The smile fades The happiness vanished And she’s onc...

THE REAL ME This restless energy and these pent up feelings That I keep bottled in They want to spill out But I resist I force them in I shove them deep It isn’t easy, not at all It’s trying to fit the ocean in a drop One day I might slip But if I do they won’t leak out They’ll rush out like a broken dam Except the walls wont be bricked But sometimes I wonder whether I’m wrong Whether I should quit silencing my heart’s song What’ll happen even if the feelings are exposed naked For everyone to see, to judge, to feel Cause I’m sure the right person Will be among everyone And they are the ones who matter But then again what if the important ones Are those who use me, destroy me, play with me I want to be vulnerable But am afraid to be hurt Sometimes I let someone take a peak Sometimes they like what they see But other times I end up licking the inflicted wounds But I the fool, still continue to Let those feelings out Somet...

HESITATION The feelings I felt today Can barely be expressed But they exist within me Filling me, fueling me and fooling me The mixture has the most unique combination Appreciation and astonishment Thankfulness and threat Love and trust And many more that fill me to the brim But the tongue is too hesitant to pronounce them Maybe it’s the mind guiding me Telling me to be mature hence quite Or maybe it’s my heart playing safe Afraid to be scoffed at Either way I’m incapable of making you aware Hence the only solution for me To express the silent battle in the loudest way Is by hugging you tight And letting the unsaid words caress you